Mama Shrink
Episode 21 - Bullying

Episode 21 - Bullying

December 19, 2019

Hi Mamas! Welcome back to another podcast episode. Today we are going to talk about Child Bullying. I want to go into 2020 with more positivity.. And this is why I am about tackling this podcast for December.

There is a lot going on with our kids and we have to be okay, as parents, in owning what we need to do for our children. As moms, we need to know what we need to do and what we need to be on the lookout for.

We need to talk to our kids about Bullying and let them know what it means. We also need to talk to them about their feelings, emotions and know what’s going on in their minds. It’s our duty to know and intervene. And this is my goal for this podcast - to help you understand your children and be aware. It’s a really important topic that needs to be talked about.

 

  • [2:50] Everything comes back to parenting. What are we doing at home? We have to be honest with that. We need to look at what’s going on.
  • [03:26] In the research that I did for this episode, I chanced upon the talk by Susan Klebold, mother of one of the shooters in Columbine and she said “I wish I listened more than I lectured.” I thought, YES we have to take the time to listen more.
  • [03:53] Unfortunately, as boys grow up, they are less likely to share their feelings. So as moms raising boys, we need to be able to pull information out of them. There’s definitely a genetic component but there’s also an environmental component. We have to stop saying “boys will be boys” No. We are their teachers and we have to stop that from happening.
  • [04:44] Scarlett Lewis (who lost her son in the Sandy Hook Shootings) created the program called ChooseLove.org which is about creating compassion, forgiveness, understanding, having kids understand their emotions and find ways to deal with them. I encourage anyone who is a parent or educator to this site to learn more about it.
  • [06:58] If you have a child who is bullying or you know of a child that is, that’s a huge red flag and it needs to be addressed. We know that people who bully are not happy, they’re struggling, they need help. If your child is engaging in bullying or on the receiving end of bullying, you must get them proper psychological treatment.
  • [08:30] 5 big reasons why kids bully: (1) they don’t have a healthy home life, (2) they don’t feel good about themselves, (3) they feel they can gain popularity by scaring and threatening others, (4) they come from homes with a lot of anger, upheaval, fighting, or neglect, (5) they don’t have a lot of empathy for other people.
  • [10:59] It’s our job as parents to teach them how to be more empathetic. We should also be aware of what you are modeling for them - are you showing them empathy? We need to teach this to kids at a very young age. Kids learn by what we do more than what we say.
  • [12:18] Things you can do to be aware and help your child who may have the tendency to be a bully: (1) stay calm and let your child talk to you. Ask them what’s going on and why they think it’s okay; (2) stay strong in front of your child. Understand instead of lecturing them. (3) get all the facts and talk directly to the other parent; (4) practice with your child how they feel about what they did. If they are bullied, practice with your child how to stay strong.; (5) if your child has been bullied, work with them in increasing their self-esteem; (6) always monitor your child’s social media sites; (7) teach your kid not to be alone with the bully; (8) talk to your child about what they are sharing on social media; (9) make sure they go to therapy; (10) always keep communication open between you and your child; (11) engage your child in activities; (12) find people they admire and tell them stories about how they overcame problems in their life or being bullied - that could be really powerful.
  • [19:25] Kids are very susceptible to being bullied and we are their teachers. As parents, we have to help our kids who are being bullied or the receiver of a bully. We have to address it and not push it under the rug. When kids are engaging in this stuff, it is a big deal. You have to be the one to talk to them that it’s not okay.
Episode 20 - Dealing With Holiday Depression

Episode 20 - Dealing With Holiday Depression

December 12, 2019

Hello Mommas! The holidays are coming in so fast and before we all get busy with life, parties, kids and everything else, I just wanted to talk to you about dealing with the holidays when you’re feeling depressed, down, overwhelmed and anxious. 

If you are feeling these things, I want to assure you that you are not alone. 90% of people are feeling the exact same way.  Holiday depression and stress is a real thing and it happens even to the best of us.

Through this episode, I want to be able to help you find a way to deal and manage with these feelings and suggest some things you can do to make the holidays a bit better for you and your family. I want you to be happy during this season momma’s and I’ll be discussing some things that I know might help you out.

 

  • [02:32] The holidays are stressful and hard but we are doing Christmas for the kids and, hopefully, for ourselves. So, if we are going to do it, let’s make it a little easier. Take some deep breaths and say “I’m doing this.” Let’s make it fun.
  • [03:52] I want you mommas to take care of yourself during this time of the year. Whatever it is, do something for you.
  • [04:33] For a lot of us, holidays can cause depression and stress. It really is a hard time. Try and think about your kids why you’re doing this. Somtimes it’s hard and brings back bad memories, overwhelm, financial. Try to take care of yourself during this whole season.
  • [06:19] We have to find a way to deal with balancing everything - shopping, family, parties, house guests - to decrease your feeling of overwhelm. If you don’t look at this you may find yourself having a headache, getting physically sick, excessive drinking, overeating, etc. It’s going to find it’s way out and I want to help you find a way to not let that happen.
  • [7:05] New Year’s day can also be another time people feel awful about starting the new year and I don’t want you to feel that way momma’s.
  • [08:25] What can we do to get through the holidays and make it a little bit better? Make a list of realistic expectations - what you can expect from family, kids, friends and your financial state. Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t do it because you’re going to be dealing with stress for a long time if you overspend.
  • [09:56] Set a goal for yourself. What do you want to get out of the holidays? Everyone has their own goal. Make your own goal according to what feels right for you. Don’t take on more than what you are able to do.
  • [11:00] Make a list and prioritize. Have it all set out in your calendar. Get it out of your head and put it on paper, it really helps.
  • [12:11] Think about the holidays as just a day to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy it. Plan as much as you can ahead of time so that you don’t get stressed. Don’t compare yourself to others on social media or to past holidays you’ve had. On the holiday, you shouldn’t be on social media.
  • [14:28] If you’re struggling for money, there’s a lot of things that you can do for free. Look at holiday lights, go window shopping, engage in snow play, try to enjoy the whole season.
  • [15:23] Try to celebrate the holidays in a new way. The last thing that I want you to do is agree to participate in a family event that makes you unhappy. Figure out a new tradition or holiday stuff with your immediate family or your kids to make it something new and not keep putting you through stuff that makes you upset.
  • [16:23] Make some time for yourself. Do something nice for you.
  • [17:20] Try to spemd th holidays with people you actually enjoy. It’s hard because we all have people in our family that we have to spend time with, but if you are spending time with them then set some boundaries, keep distance or just don’t go.
  • [17:56] Do something that makes you laugh. Try to make some room during the day to make it fun. It can really make a difference however simple it is.
  • [18:30] Enjoy the moment with your family because you won’t get that back.
  • [19:09] If you feel like you don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with, you can volunteer, go somewhere where there’s other people - nursing homes are a great place, call a friend.

 

Episode 19 - The Importance of Finding Your Peeps

Episode 19 - The Importance of Finding Your Peeps

December 5, 2019

Happy December, Mamas! Time flew by so fast this year, I don’t even know where the year has gone. In a few weeks we’re bringing in a new year and a new decade which is pretty cool.

In this episode today, I really want to focus on the importance of community and finding your peeps. One of the hardest but most common things I see in my practice is a lack of community and social support between people. It is hard and lonely to be in that space because as humans, we are biologically wired for connection.

This is why finding a group or community you can belong to is so important. I have my group of peeps: other moms, my business associates, and some on-line groups that I pay to be part of. These are like-minded people who share the same values I have and it makes me feel supported. So I am hoping by the end of this episode, you realize and see the importance of creating community in your life and strive to find a group of your own peeps.

[05:0] Humans are social creatures (even introverts) that need a sense of belonging. When we don’t have this, it can lead to loneliness, depression, and/or anxiety.

[05:38] When you think about groups of people, people can belong through all sorts of different ways. Get outside your box a little bit, think about your values, what you care about and how you can find people who match your interests and values.

[08:25] Think about the groups that are out there even for things that are hard to deal with such as AA. Having peers in the same group, who know how you feel and get you can really make a difference in your life. People want to be around other people who know exactly what they’re feeling before anything is even said.

[12:10] In life, we can sometimes feel alone and when we’re able to share that our life with others, it really takes us out of our own head and say - I’m not alone.

[16:55] You have to keep looking until you find your people. It comes back to going out and finding people in your community (or even online) that match what you are looking for. In order to do this, you need to understand yourself first and what you are looking for. It’s important that you get in touch with what is important to you and what you value.

[21:39] We are hardwired to be part of a community. If you don’t have a community, you can volunteer, join a group, find a therapy or support group. Take a risk and ask someone about groups.

[23:08] Don’t stay in groups because you’ve belonged in them forever. Sometimes we change as humans and we grow over time, and as a result, we look for other groups to belong to. That is completely fine.

[26:11] Join groups that show support and respect, especially when finding them on-line. I closely monitor my Mama Shrink community and I will not tolerate anyone being disrespectful or hurtful. Groups are for people to feel safe and grow. Find a group that makes you feel all those things. Don’t settle for anything less.

[27:19] We are human beings. We need community. We need to find our peeps.

Links:

 

My new course Setting Boundaries without guilt is now out for sale until Dec 14th. You can find all the information at www.mamashrink.com/boundaries

Episode 18 - My Holiday Miracle of Adoption

Episode 18 - My Holiday Miracle of Adoption

November 28, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving, Mamas! In today’s podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how Mama Shrink became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it on a day that is all about giving thanks. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial.

I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother’s and things that I am not comfortable sharing publically.

Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It’s very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring.

My boys were meant to be mine....I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption.

  • [04:06] I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I’m sure you understand that every month that you don’t get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging.
  • [04:28] When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30’s when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t.
  • [05:19] After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body.
  • [08:44] My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing.
  • [10:08] One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congrations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.
  • [10:32] There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption.
  • [16:23] We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process.
  • [22:49] When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren’t making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It’s sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you’re willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn’t.
  • [29:10] People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don’t realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It’s a really big risk. It’s an emotional roller coaster.
  • [30:20] We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness.
  • [33:50] We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby.
  • [42:43] We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.
Episode 17 - Holiday Survival

Episode 17 - Holiday Survival

November 21, 2019

Holidays can be a really stressful time because we deal with so many events and gatherings. Most people go through stress, depression, and many unwanted feelings especially during this season. My goal on this episode is to make the holiday season a bit more enjoyable for you and give you tips on how to get through the holidays happier and less stressed.

Often, people have this vision and misconception that everyone or the people around them are all having the time of their lives and everything runs so smoothly during the holidays. We only see the outside or maybe what is posted on social media. But in dealing with people as a psychologist for many years, I can tell you that for the most part, this isn’t true. I can honestly say that about 90% of families don’t have it all together.

Before I start the episode I just want to let you know I will be launching a workshop course called “Releasing Mama Guilt” which will help you dive deeper into feeling more confident about yourself and your parenting and hopefully by the end not feeling guilty about the way you move through life, parent your kid or start taking exceptional care of yourself. Along with the investment in the course you will also receive a recorded hypnosis focused on releasing mama guilt, an EFT tapping session video with techniques for releasing anxiety and guilt, and a recorded morning and evening meditation for your personal use.  I’ll be offering a cyber Monday discount on December 2nd which will bring down the course price to half off from the original price of $197. That’s only for one day so do watch out for that. I’d love to have you be part of the course. It’s going to be super fun. I’ll be teaching, coaching and giving away fun stuff!

  • [07:35] You can approach the holidays in the best way possible - that is your decision. You can make it special with the special people in your life.
  • [08:52] You have the choice to say no. If it’s going to cause stress and overwhelm you, you have the permission to say no, and that’s okay.
  • [10:20] Plan in advance on how you will react to the person who will inevitably drive you crazy. Be prepared for it to happen, do some role playing in your mind, think about how you’re going to react to the situation.
  • [12:00] Lower your expectations and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised if everything turns out great. Keep smiling and be nice. It is more difficult for someone to engage in conflict with someone who looks happy and refuses to engage.
  • [14:21] Go to the family gathering and remember that you’re not them and you refuse to be like them.
  • [15:15] Keep distance around the person who is a trigger for you.
  • [15:50] Don’t drink too much. When we are drinking it can make you feel more depressed, anxious, angry, and it can inhibit your control.
  • [17:21] Look at your family with compassion and realize why they are acting the way that they do.
  • [18:55] Focus on the positive. Find something that is good.
  • [20:10] If you feel a little tense, it’s okay to give yourself a break.
  • [21:09] It’s a time limited event and you can do hard things. Take a step back and remember this is only temporary. Remember these things: you are not going to be bossed around by anybody, you are not that child anymore and you can do hard things.

Links:

Episode 16 - Why Change is So Difficult

Episode 16 - Why Change is So Difficult

November 14, 2019

Change and growth may be one of the things that we are most fearful of in life. Going through it is hard, uncomfortable and requires so much effort. But I totally believe that you can do it… anyone can do it. I know because I’ve been through this too. It takes a lot of courage and overcoming our fears.

In this episode, I’m going to be talking about mindset, overcoming the fear of change, and why change and growth are so difficult in the hopes that it will help you or someone you know if you are going through this phase in your life.

Before I start the episode I just want to let you know that instead of launching my 6-week course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” in December, I will be launching a workshop course where you can get to know me better as a coach and teacher to see if we’re a good fit. We’ll dive into the topic of momma guilt in one day, cover a lot in a few hours and give you live coaching with me. This will be launching on the 2nd of December. You can head over to mamashrink.com to sign up for my email list to get my free ebook, be the first to know about the course release, and receive a special discount for early birds who want to register.

  • [06:43] We have an inner thermostat that has been set in us very early in our lives with how content we feel with being happy and at peace. A lot of us have grown up where that was not our norm. So to now be in that place is very, very difficult.
  • [07:21] Growing and changing is very hard, uncomfortable and requires a lot of effort which is why a lot of people do not change their lives.
  • [08:50] You can choose the life of easy or choose the life of growth or change. It’s a personal choice which you need to decide on.
  • [09:54] If you find yourself seeking out support, help or therapy that means you want that change and that is the first step to growth.
  • [11:40] I believe everyone has it in them to change no matter what circumstances they’ve come through. We all have a choice in life.
  • [12:00] Fear is the biggest thing that keeps us from growing and changing. Even things that can be good change can create fear because it’s not in our comfort zone. We have to recognize that it’s okay to feel good and happy.
  • [21:57] “Where attention goes, energy flows.” If you are focused on that, you will probably find things in your life to confirm that to be true. If you change that thinking and commit to feeling good, growth, and happiness there’s going to be fear and anxiety but why not enjoy it?
  • [24:00] If you only want to do what’s easy in life, that’s fine but don’t expect to grow, don’t expect relationships to get better or things to improve. Once you grow and move through the discomfort, life will be much easier. You can’t grow without feeling uncomfortable. It’s impossible.
  • [25:55] If you want to stay comfortable and don’t want to grow and change, what happens is we do self-destructive things like overeating, overdrinking, surrounding ourselves with negativity, gambling, and many more. The feeling of not being uncomfortable can kill us, literally.
  • [27:25] Sometimes, the fear to change is so strong that people can’t overcome it. This is very real and we have to be gentle with ourselves and others who are fearful of this and focus on knowing that everytime someone is scared to grow, behind it is that fear - the fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable, the what if.
  • [28:18] Every day we have a choice whether we want to experience growth and change or stay in our comfort zone. When you are dealing with telling yourself “I can’t,” instead of saying that, replace it with saying “I don’t want to” or “I won’t” or “I’m choosing not ” When you start to frame it in a choice, it feels more like a choice and gives you an opportunity to start to consider growth.
  • [29:25] Here are some ways to overcome these self-sabotaging actions and belief system: acknowledge that you’re having the thought, forgive that thought / behavior and say “cancel”, replace it with a new thought, start to know your upper limit triggers.
  • [34:00] This all comes down to our thought process, our beliefs, our brain. This is all dealing with our mind and mental structure. Once we can master changing the way we think and behave, everything in our life changes. It all comes back to mental mindset shifting.

Links:

Episode 15 - Self-Sabotage

Episode 15 - Self-Sabotage

November 7, 2019

I would like to dive into the concept of mindset shifting in the next 2 episodes of the Mama Shrink Podcast because I feel that this is such a big thing. It’s one thing to think about something in a certain way and it’s a whole different level when you really believe what you’re talking about. This comes down to the whole concept of the biology of belief.

So today, I’m going to talk about self-sabotage. What is it, how do we do it, and why we do it. I have personally engaged in self sabotaged throughout my life and have seen this cycle in many women that I have worked with over the years. I share about this in order to help you move out of this vicious cycle and become a happier mom and woman.

But before I start the podcast, I just want to share that my new free E-book on Ending Mama Guilt is now available on my website at mamashrink.com. It’s super fun and has lots of action-based activities for you to find happiness, set boundaries and engage in self-care without guilt.

Also, the launch process for my course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” is starting in December and will be available at a really great discounted rate that I will never offer again. You can join the wait list for the course my heading over to my website as well.

So let’s discuss Self-Sabotage

 

  • [5:30] Self sabotage is a purposeful choice that interferes with your short-term or long- term goals.
  • [6:54] Self sabotage is setting goals but not following through, procrastinating or quitting. We go into self-sabotage because our brains become habituated to being in a state of homeostasis and we want to remain in our comfort zone.
  • [10:33] Sometimes our comfort zone isn’t what’s best for us but what we’re used to. We feel that it’s too good to be true so we ruin it.
  • [11:33] Self-sabotage affects our self-esteem and pulls you down. It becomes a vicious cycle that makes us feel bad and makes us go back to our state of not achieving, growing and allowing good things to come in.
  • [12:24] If you keep proving to yourself that you can’t succeed or you don’t deserve good things, your brain will start to believe that.
  • [13:0] Signs for recognizing self-sabotage: procrastinating, feeling uncomfortable about feeling good, doing negative self-talk, feeling like you’re not good enough, picking fights, being self-critical, feeling like a fraud. Do you see yourself doing or feeling any of these things? Why are you doing it? And is this your way of self-sabotaging?
  • [16:12] How do we change this? It can’t change overnight. Changing self-sabotage is a gradual change and involves shifting your mindset. Here are the steps you need to take: recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors; recognize the emotions that are causing the behavior; recognize the thoughts causing the emotions; work on changing your behavior, recognize the thoughts and emotions associated with whatever you keep self-sabotaging with; and practice being okay with feeling good.
  • [25:06] Give yourself permission to feel good. Over time you’ll re-wire your brain and slowly start to change your mindset and belief system so that your internal state of being becomes feeling good and happy. It takes practice. Be patient with yourself because it takes time to stop self-sabotaging.

 

Links:

 

 

Episode 14 - How To Become More Assertive

Episode 14 - How To Become More Assertive

October 31, 2019

Assertiveness is a challenge for a lot of people including myself. Over the years, I have gotten much better with being assertive but I am still a work in progress.

So many women struggle and worry about appearing mean or nasty if they attempt to be assertive. My goal for this episode is to make you realize that if we do not become assertive, we may end up hurting ourselves in the long-run. So being assertive is really important in our lives and in our relationships with others.

Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new Ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now available for free. Head on over to www.mamashrink.com to grab your copy now. If you know someone else that could benefit from this book, please feel free to share the link with them.

 

  • [3:48] Assertiveness is a means of self-care that involves communicating honestly with yourself and with other people in a way that takes into account your rights and their rights.
  • [4:24] Assertiveness means taking care of ourselves while doing it in a way that is not mean to yourself or someone else.
  • [5:20] Assertiveness is not mean, it’s a way to be seen and heard, and it takes practice.
  • [6:43] When were not assertive we can become sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, and/or anxious because we feel our needs are not being met. People don’t always know what we need and it is our responsibility to let them know.
  • We may end up feeling like a victim to our circumstances, like no one understands or gets us. Being assertive is essential in healthy relationships and to our physical health.
  • [08:36] Becoming assertive will take some practice and it may initially very difficult to do, especially if you are a people pleaser. People around us might not be happy when we start to become assertive because they want things to stay the same. People you will feel the most resistance are those energy vampires in our lives.
  • [15:40] The opposite of being assertive is being passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive. Most people fall into the passive-aggressive state.
  • [16:11] Being passive is completely not sticking up for yourself. You just say yes to everything, you are a complete people pleaser, and you do everything someone asks you to do. Sometimes you end up completely burnt out and resentful with no self-worth.
  • [19:17] The aggressive person usually acts out in a hostile fashion without any regard for others, sometimes resorting to verbal or physical attacks and mental manipulation. It is usually the result of stored up anger or not speaking up or being raised in a home with aggressive parents. If you find yourself in an aggressive relationship, do whatever you can to get out of it.
  • [24:11] Passive-Aggressive is where you are afraid of speaking up or don’t know how. It can feel scary if we don’t want to speak our mind or don’t want someone to be mad at us. There are so many examples of being passive-aggressive and I give you concrete examples on how to become more assertive during these situations.
  • [38:29] Assertiveness is getting in touch with yourself, bodily reactions, feelings, your truth and expressing it in a positive way. You can take adult “time outs” before you say anything especially when experiencing emotionally charged feelings.
  • [43:10] Remember, being assertive will begin to feel good to you over time because you are expressing what you need, you are taking their rights into account, and doing it in a kind and compassionate way. However, this does not always mean the person on the receiving end is going to do what you want them to do. You have to be okay when you disappoint other people.
  • [44:58] I give you examples of differences of passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive and assertive responses in common life situations.
  • [47:21] There’s lots of reasons for people not wanting to speak up, including fear. Stay away from energy vampires and professional victims. Be with people who can accept your truth.

 

Links:

Episode 13 - Letting Go Of Perfection

Episode 13 - Letting Go Of Perfection

October 24, 2019

Perfectionism is something that I’ve seen in so many patients that I treat as a psychologist. I was also a perfectionist myself and now call myself a “perfectionist in recovery.” I have struggled with it and I also see so much of it in other women which is why I decided to talk about it in today’s episode.

I’ll be breaking perfectionism down for you to help you let go of this epidemic that can destroy not only you, but the people you around you as well. So it’s super important to be able to be aware of it and then let it go. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s something you can always work towards.

Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now out for free. Head over to mamashrink.com to grab your own copy now.

  • [03:33] Perfection is something that is externally driven. Something that you want to achieve to better yourself and feel good about is internally driven.
  • [04:53] Perfectionism is an epidemic. Its symptoms manifest in different ways in different disorders. It doesn’t only take a toll on yourself but on your relationships, as well.
  • [06:37] Perfection is impossible. You have to know when it’s enough.
  • [07:34] The 10 signs of perfectionism: setting extremely high standards, extremely self critical, highly concerned about others view you, need for approval, failure is not an option, need for things to be flawless, inability to relax unless everything is in order, rigidity and thinking, you want to please others, and you never achieve enough because there’s always more. Do any of these ring a bell for you?
  • [09:23] “We can’t change it until we own it.” You have to own that something rings through to you and then you can start to change it. But also recognize that change is hard and takes practice.
  • [10:03] The problem with perfectionism is that it comes with perks such as secondary gains which is why we keep engaging in it and have a hard time letting go of it. Some examples are: we feel proud we aren’t lazy, we get straight A’s, we have a successful job, a perfect body, and so on.
  • [11:07] The heart of perfectionism is being highly concerned about what others think of you. Perfection is externally driven - it’s worrying about what other people think. It’s hard to let go of because it’s natural for us to compare ourselves to other people.
  • [12:32] Think about what this is passing down to our children. They see and absorb what we model for them. Sometimes we don’t realize that we’re passing on perfectionism to our children.
  • [14:40] The perks of perfectionism come at a huge cost. You have to realize it, take a step back and let things go. It is toxic!
  • [16:51] No one is perfect. It’s important to say it to yourself and say it out loud. It’s impossible because there’s always something else that you’ll feel the need to be perfect at.
  • [18:20] Separate perfectionism from achieving. Achieving things is fine but it’s not going to be perfect and you’ll probably achieve less if they have to be perfect. Procrastinators are often perfectionists. Perfectionism can stop you from achieving a lot of things in your life.
  • [21:16] Be aware of perfectionism. Perfectionism is an all time high and a lot of research is pointing towards social media where we constantly compare ourselves to others and put things onto us that may not be realistic.
  • [23:14] Top things that lead to being perfectionistic: genetics and growing up in homes with abuse, neglect, overly controlling parents, or incompetent parents.
  • [27:58] Our kids need to feel they belong. By belonging it means that no matter what happens in the outside world, they will feel they belong in their family. It ties up to perfectionism when they feel that they aren’t good enough or they are not allowed to make mistakes. Make your kids feel that your home is their safe place. If they don’t feel they belong in their own home or family, they are going to feel the need to be perfect and create a facade in order to fit in.
  • [29:51] Sometimes perfectionism can keep us from truly being seen or showing how we really are.
  • [30:45] Perfectionism isn’t an easy thing to overcome. Here are some things you can do: have support and a group around you to be honest with, start practicing self compassion, stop comparing yourself to other people, allow yourself to do “B” work instead of always having it to be “A” work, remind yourself that you can always do more but “when is it enough?”, lower your expectations of yourself and other people, realize that if we don’t let go of perfection we are going to be constantly chasing something that’s never achievable.
  • [36:20] Imperfection is what we need to embrace. Give yourself permission to not have to be perfect.

My first ever course soon called “Happy Momma = Happy Child” is launching in December. It is especially designed to help you become the best mom you can be to be a better parent and mother. I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. If you are interested, get on my waitlist for it at drcynthia@mamashrink.com or on my website, mamashrink.com. As soon as I launch, you’ll be the first ones to be notified.

Episode 12 - Overcoming Mommy Guilt

Episode 12 - Overcoming Mommy Guilt

October 17, 2019

The dreaded mommy guilt is so prevalent, difficult, and happens to all us moms. Being a mom isn’t an easy job, having a job while being a mom is twice the heartache. I hope this episode helps you to alleviate your mama guilt by helping you realize that you don’t need to feel guilty for wanting or needing to do what we need to do in order to take care of our children and ourselves.

Guilt doesn’t serve us and it’s very hard for us to cope with it. I have experienced mommy guilt myself many times. I’m going to be sharing with you some of the things I’ve done to alleviate my own guilt, while sharing my professional knowledge in this area.

  •  [03:23] When we talk about mom-guilt, we feel inferior or not good enough. Professional women experience this a lot after having a child and needing to return to work.
  •  [05:44] Moms should start supporting each other, stop feeling guilty, stop comparing yourself to others, and stop judging each other. It doesn’t make us a bad mom if we want to do things outside of parenting our children.
  •  [11:19] It’s okay to do other things than being a mom. Don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you if you want to do other things in your life too.
  •  [14:00] Mommy guilt can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, negative thoughts, beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others. When this happens it can cause you to overwork, overeat, or self-medicate with alcohol or food.
  •  [16:12] As moms we have the need for perfectionism. But it just doesn’t exist. And we have to be okay giving 60% or 80%. You will have “off days” and that’s okay. Being a mom is hard! We should stop pretending that we all have it together. It doesn’t serve us and it does not make other moms feel supported.
  •  [20:30] Acknowledge & accept that it’s okay if you want to go to work and enjoy having time away from your kids. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. Keep in mind why you do what you do.
  •  [21:15] What is most important is the quality of time that we spend with our kids, not the quantity.
  •  [22:54] You don’t want to end up resenting your child because you didn’t do the things you wanted to do while you were raising your children. Too many moms come to see me after their children leave home (as they should) and they feel lost in their life. I hear so many moms saying they don’t know who they are outside of being a mom.
  •  [25:13] Build up your resilience and do not engage in feeling shame or guilt for wanting to do things outside of being a mom. Sometimes we become more resilient by pushing through the hard things that hurt our hearts.
  •  [26:39] Give yourself time to adjust. It takes practice to let go of guilt.
  •  [27:39] Mommy guilt stems from feeling like we did something wrong or we are not good enough. You’re not doing anything wrong when you want time to yourself, or go to work, or when you want to spend time with adults.
  •  [29:29] Be okay with not loving everything about parenting. It’s not always fun. It’s hard!
  •  [30:22] We need to be accepting that we need adult time too and not everything should revolve around our kids. Kids who grow up feeling that everything revolves around them, usually grow up spoiled. Set limits with your kids without feeling guilty.
  •  [31:27] Mommy guilt is hard. You are not alone - everyone feels it. Don’t stay stuck and feel that you are a bad mom. If you are giving your child quality time, there is nothing to feel guilty for.