Mama Shrink
Episode 25 - Raising Children of a Different Race

Episode 25 - Raising Children of a Different Race

January 16, 2020

I want to dive deeper into the topic of adoption and share with you my own experience of raising children of a different race than my husband and I. This often gets flagged as a very heated topic and I have resisted discussing it until now, but it important and I always I promise to be authentic with all of you.

Let me start by saying, “Happy Gotcha Day Thomas!” In honor of my favorite day, the discussion of adoption is perfect. After listening to the episode, please let me know your thoughts and if you know anyone who has gone through transracial adoption, please have them listen to this and connect with me.

  • [03:30] “Gotcha Day”, adoptive parents often celebrate this as it is the day we bring our child home. It is also the day a birth mother decided to do the most brave, courageous, selfless, and loving thing. To me, adoption is the most loving gift in the whole world. It is important for your child who has been adopted to know what a happy day Gotcha Day is. In our home we celebrate Gotcha Day as the day ever.
  • [06:50] Different states have different processes for adoption. Waiting periods can vary from a few days to a month. We have to go through a whole range of things in the adoption world that are pretty scary and uncertain.
  • [09:33] If you are a parent raising children of a different race, you have to do your homework, be sensitive and be culturally aware of the differences. We attended a camp for white parents raising African American children. There were pros and cons to this experience. I would say the greatest pro was that our boys got to see other families that looked like ours. The whole concept of the camp was beautiful but the conversations got a bit sad and hurt my heart sometimes.
  • [15:40] When you are a transracial family, you sometimes don’t know where you fit in. We have faced racial discrimination and for people to say that racism does not exist, does not know what they are talking about.
  • [18:30] Then besides the skill color issue, we also have to deal with language people use with our family. Such as saying the term “real parents” instead of “birth parents.” If you are an adoptive parent and you hear someone ask, “Who are their real parents?”, that crushes your soul. Please be mindful of terms and language that is used when speaking to adoptive parents.
  • [19:35] People think and want to believe that color doesn’t matter. I also want to believe this to be true, but unfortunately it does matter. As my kids grow older I have to teach them how it is to be a brown man in this world and all the things that come along with it. We are lucky because we live in a small community with a good group of friends where people look out for our boys, but the reality is that our community is mostly white.
  • [21:25] One of the things I’ve had to do a lot is politely educate others. We get asked a lot if our boys are twins, “real” brothers, and where they’re from. And as our boys are growing up and understanding more, I need to protect them more. The sad thing is that if my boys were white, I don’t think anyone would ask these questions.
  • [24:23] We’ve experienced covert racism. We do still live in a world of white privilege and believe that we still need to talk about the fact that race is an issue.
  • [28:30] With adoption you always have to be ready with questions, reactions or things that might happen with your children. It’s a beautiful journey but also a hard one. It is not easy to see your child want to wipe away their brown skin and be white.
  • [35:05] One of the things my husband and I want to create is a place where white parents raising kids of a different race can get together and feel accepted. We know how important that is for our children. If you know of anyone who is also looking for this, please have them reach out to me.

Links:

Episode 24 - Invite People Into Your Mess

Episode 24 - Invite People Into Your Mess

January 9, 2020

In the midst of the first week of the new decade, I hope you set intentions and not put too much pressure on yourself this new year.

If you listened to my podcast from 2 weeks ago, I talked about the goals I’ve set for myself for this coming year. And today, I’m going to talk about my own experience with reaching those  goals. Personally, it’s very hard for me and it might be hard for you as well to implement changes in your life but it’s important that we check in with ourselves and work hard in keeping our goals. This is why I’ve suggested that you write down your own goals.

I am sharing this story with you today in the podcast in the hopes that it can give you some learnings and help you out. I want you to know that you are not alone on this journey - we all feel this way sometimes and it’s perfectly okay.

  • [02:00] My adoption journey with my son, Thomas.
  • [05:01] 3 Goals I have set for myself this new year: Integrity, Alignment and Growth.
  • [06:37] I feel uncomfortable with inviting people into my home but my son, Thomas, wanted to have his birthday party at home. I was so worried about getting my home looking perfect for the party.
  • [08:34] A serendipitous event that made me realize how many opportunities were missing for connection because we are afraid of inviting people to our home. I read the article “In praise of scruffy hospitality” where it talks about how so many of us spend so much time making our house look picture perfect but we forget that our home is where we spend the most time in and a lot of times we just want to invite our friends to our home. But… so many of us don’t invite people over because we’re fearful of what our houses look like. We’re so afraid of what other people will think.
  • [10:18] The truth of the matter is, I don’t pick people who to be friends with based on what their houses look like. I could care less. It’s the people. We just want to spend time with the people.
  • [12:51] My fear of inviting people over to our house came from my experience when i was still young and invited friends over to my house and had an embarrassing experience. But my friends let me know and made me feel that it wasn’t about the house and that they loved going to our house because it was fun. No one cared about our messy house.
  • [16:32] My realization about this experience: I have to find balance and light up a bit. It’s okay. People want to come to your home because they care about you. You don’t want to look back and think, “wow, I missed these memories because I was worried about what people would think coming to my home.” We have to give ourselves a break mommas. If someone comes to your house and judges you, you don’t need that in your life.
  • [20:55] My challenge for you is I want you to invite someone over when your house is a mess and say “okay, I’m going to do it!” and be okay with it. The final thing I’m focusing on this year is growth and when I say growth I mean change. Change is uncomfortable and hard. It’s hard to let people into our lives and see it not perfect.
  • [21:34] Think about the people who seem to be very perfect in your life… are they the most fun, chill, and filled with good energy? I think that imperfection is beautiful. My favorite people are people who are real, honest, who tell the truth, cry, feel crap - and that’s what I want for you. Don’t waste your life on nonsense like making sure your house is perfect.
  • [22:50] Do this for yourself. Invite people into your social network into your house. Do things that are uncomfortable but might bring you the best joy. The people who care about you and love you, they don’t care what your house looks like.

 Links:

Episode 23 - Card Telling Tips for The New Year

Episode 23 - Card Telling Tips for The New Year

January 2, 2020

Happy new year, mommas!

I'm part of a group by James Redmore where he gave us these cards with different quotes. And today I've picked out some of my favorite quotes to share with you and how you can make these happen for you this 2020.

I have learned from these quotes myself and I want to share them with you in the hopes that it will inspire you to be more and do more this new year.

  • [2:00] "Expect nothing but appreciate everything"
  • [02:55] "Grateful" - Be grateful and take a moment to have gratitude everyday. It could be the most simplest thing.
  • [04:25] "Don't grow up. It's a trap" - We should never forget how to play and have fun. Do something that doesn't feel grown up. Don't limit your creativity.
  • [06:01] "Everything is effing possible." - If you think there is something impossible in your life, try to rethink that.
  • [07:06] "If you think you don't deserve it, the universe will never ever serve it." - Positive makes positive. There is power in our beliefs, thoughts and energy that we put out.
  • [08:05] "When you realize that you create your own universe, you don't need to fall apart in order for it to get your attention," -
  • [09:32] "Don't believe everything you think." - Our mind is so hard on us sometimes and we really have to change that mindset. When those thoughts come up in your head simply say "cancel" and that word helps my brain think something else.
  • [10:35] "Does this support the life I'm committed to create?" - Always ask yourself is this pointing you to the direction you want to go in the future.
  • [12:40] "Don't worry about what I'm doing, worry about why you're worrying about what I'm doing." - Worrying about what others do is wasted energy.
  • [14:25] "If you're worried about what people think, what you're really saying is that a complete stranger's opinion is more important than your happiness."
  • [16:45] "Stop taking constructive criticism from someone who hasn't constructed anything." - Don't go to people who have not achieved what you want to achieve and ask for advice.
  • [19:49] "You csn't change the world if you can't change your mind." - Change only happens when we start to think differently. It always comes back to out mindset. You have to go deeper in your mind to make those changes.
  • [21:20] "What got you here won't get you there." You have to let go with what no longer serves you in order to be open to new possibilities coming into your life to achieve different results.
  • [22:40] "What is this preparing me for?"
  • [24:10] "You are not limited to who you think you are." - Don't limit and underestimate yourself, especially as women. You can do hard things.
  • [25:30] "There are people in this world that will never become their best until you become your best."
  • [27:00] "Everytime you say 'I don't have the time,' you are avoiding responsibility."
  • [29:29] "Your success is inevitable." - You success will happen!

Links:

 

 

Episode 22 - Aligning In The Year

Episode 22 - Aligning In The Year

December 26, 2019

Merry Christmas, Mommas! Today is the day after Christmas and I hope you all enjoyed the holidays with your kids.

Now that we are embarking on a new year and a new decade, I thought I would dive deep into some possibilities for people to think about things that they want going into the new year. These are just some suggestions.

Overall, I think you should set more energy to go more into that spiritual part of you this new year. Think about what you want for yoursef, what you want your life to look like in the coming year. I’ll be sharing some of my own thoughts with you to get you thinking how you want to live this next year of your life.

 

  • [02:58] Integrity - It means so much to have integrity. By integrity I mean you walk the walk, stand behind your word, not promising things you can’t deliver. It feels good to walk the walk, not preaching and telling people but you’re not doing them yourself.
  • [04:57] Alignment - For me, alignment means body, mind and soul all being aligned. When we are in alignment that’s when our best selves start to shine through. When we get very busy as moms, we sometimes don’t know that we’re not in alignment. Once we focus on being in alignment we really start to enjoy our lives more and value our time more. Life doesn’t have to be a constant struggle and hustle.
  • [08:32] Growth - Allowing myself to grow and being uncomfortable with growing. As humans, we are put in this life to grow. Great and hard things happen sometimes but they all teach us a lesson. Figure out what those lessons are and why they are happening to you. That all ties in to growth, expanding yourself, and saying “I’m willing to grow. I want things to be expansive this new year.”
  • [10:10] What is something in the new year that you want to focus on? It may be uncomfortable at times but you have to push through that part of growing and change so that it becomes a normal part of your life that will be easier to accomplish for you. Look at it as something that will better your life and look at the thing that makes it so important - this will be the thing that will motivate you.
  • [11:55] It takes a while for us to change and it’s very important for us to be kind to ourselves in that process. Change is hard. We also have to be okay with failing, disappointment. These are opportunities for learning and growth.
  • [13:00] Write down your goals you have picked for yourself. Sit with it and think of your why. You will have it as a reminder in the new year.
  • [14:40] Look back through your calendar and what you did in the year. Sit with yourself and write down a year in review of your life - see what worked and what didn’t, see what you want to continue to do and see what you want to get rid of. It’s very powerful and wonderful to get in touch with that. I really hope you consider doing this because it’s a really nice way to connect with yourself.
  • [18:30] Don’t be too hard on yourself. Go more deeply in your soul and align with what you want your purpose to be in the new coming year.

 

Links:

 

Episode 21 - Bullying

Episode 21 - Bullying

December 19, 2019

Hi Mamas! Welcome back to another podcast episode. Today we are going to talk about Child Bullying. I want to go into 2020 with more positivity.. And this is why I am about tackling this podcast for December.

There is a lot going on with our kids and we have to be okay, as parents, in owning what we need to do for our children. As moms, we need to know what we need to do and what we need to be on the lookout for.

We need to talk to our kids about Bullying and let them know what it means. We also need to talk to them about their feelings, emotions and know what’s going on in their minds. It’s our duty to know and intervene. And this is my goal for this podcast - to help you understand your children and be aware. It’s a really important topic that needs to be talked about.

 

  • [2:50] Everything comes back to parenting. What are we doing at home? We have to be honest with that. We need to look at what’s going on.
  • [03:26] In the research that I did for this episode, I chanced upon the talk by Susan Klebold, mother of one of the shooters in Columbine and she said “I wish I listened more than I lectured.” I thought, YES we have to take the time to listen more.
  • [03:53] Unfortunately, as boys grow up, they are less likely to share their feelings. So as moms raising boys, we need to be able to pull information out of them. There’s definitely a genetic component but there’s also an environmental component. We have to stop saying “boys will be boys” No. We are their teachers and we have to stop that from happening.
  • [04:44] Scarlett Lewis (who lost her son in the Sandy Hook Shootings) created the program called ChooseLove.org which is about creating compassion, forgiveness, understanding, having kids understand their emotions and find ways to deal with them. I encourage anyone who is a parent or educator to this site to learn more about it.
  • [06:58] If you have a child who is bullying or you know of a child that is, that’s a huge red flag and it needs to be addressed. We know that people who bully are not happy, they’re struggling, they need help. If your child is engaging in bullying or on the receiving end of bullying, you must get them proper psychological treatment.
  • [08:30] 5 big reasons why kids bully: (1) they don’t have a healthy home life, (2) they don’t feel good about themselves, (3) they feel they can gain popularity by scaring and threatening others, (4) they come from homes with a lot of anger, upheaval, fighting, or neglect, (5) they don’t have a lot of empathy for other people.
  • [10:59] It’s our job as parents to teach them how to be more empathetic. We should also be aware of what you are modeling for them - are you showing them empathy? We need to teach this to kids at a very young age. Kids learn by what we do more than what we say.
  • [12:18] Things you can do to be aware and help your child who may have the tendency to be a bully: (1) stay calm and let your child talk to you. Ask them what’s going on and why they think it’s okay; (2) stay strong in front of your child. Understand instead of lecturing them. (3) get all the facts and talk directly to the other parent; (4) practice with your child how they feel about what they did. If they are bullied, practice with your child how to stay strong.; (5) if your child has been bullied, work with them in increasing their self-esteem; (6) always monitor your child’s social media sites; (7) teach your kid not to be alone with the bully; (8) talk to your child about what they are sharing on social media; (9) make sure they go to therapy; (10) always keep communication open between you and your child; (11) engage your child in activities; (12) find people they admire and tell them stories about how they overcame problems in their life or being bullied - that could be really powerful.
  • [19:25] Kids are very susceptible to being bullied and we are their teachers. As parents, we have to help our kids who are being bullied or the receiver of a bully. We have to address it and not push it under the rug. When kids are engaging in this stuff, it is a big deal. You have to be the one to talk to them that it’s not okay.
Episode 20 - Dealing With Holiday Depression

Episode 20 - Dealing With Holiday Depression

December 12, 2019

Hello Mommas! The holidays are coming in so fast and before we all get busy with life, parties, kids and everything else, I just wanted to talk to you about dealing with the holidays when you’re feeling depressed, down, overwhelmed and anxious. 

If you are feeling these things, I want to assure you that you are not alone. 90% of people are feeling the exact same way.  Holiday depression and stress is a real thing and it happens even to the best of us.

Through this episode, I want to be able to help you find a way to deal and manage with these feelings and suggest some things you can do to make the holidays a bit better for you and your family. I want you to be happy during this season momma’s and I’ll be discussing some things that I know might help you out.

 

  • [02:32] The holidays are stressful and hard but we are doing Christmas for the kids and, hopefully, for ourselves. So, if we are going to do it, let’s make it a little easier. Take some deep breaths and say “I’m doing this.” Let’s make it fun.
  • [03:52] I want you mommas to take care of yourself during this time of the year. Whatever it is, do something for you.
  • [04:33] For a lot of us, holidays can cause depression and stress. It really is a hard time. Try and think about your kids why you’re doing this. Somtimes it’s hard and brings back bad memories, overwhelm, financial. Try to take care of yourself during this whole season.
  • [06:19] We have to find a way to deal with balancing everything - shopping, family, parties, house guests - to decrease your feeling of overwhelm. If you don’t look at this you may find yourself having a headache, getting physically sick, excessive drinking, overeating, etc. It’s going to find it’s way out and I want to help you find a way to not let that happen.
  • [7:05] New Year’s day can also be another time people feel awful about starting the new year and I don’t want you to feel that way momma’s.
  • [08:25] What can we do to get through the holidays and make it a little bit better? Make a list of realistic expectations - what you can expect from family, kids, friends and your financial state. Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t do it because you’re going to be dealing with stress for a long time if you overspend.
  • [09:56] Set a goal for yourself. What do you want to get out of the holidays? Everyone has their own goal. Make your own goal according to what feels right for you. Don’t take on more than what you are able to do.
  • [11:00] Make a list and prioritize. Have it all set out in your calendar. Get it out of your head and put it on paper, it really helps.
  • [12:11] Think about the holidays as just a day to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy it. Plan as much as you can ahead of time so that you don’t get stressed. Don’t compare yourself to others on social media or to past holidays you’ve had. On the holiday, you shouldn’t be on social media.
  • [14:28] If you’re struggling for money, there’s a lot of things that you can do for free. Look at holiday lights, go window shopping, engage in snow play, try to enjoy the whole season.
  • [15:23] Try to celebrate the holidays in a new way. The last thing that I want you to do is agree to participate in a family event that makes you unhappy. Figure out a new tradition or holiday stuff with your immediate family or your kids to make it something new and not keep putting you through stuff that makes you upset.
  • [16:23] Make some time for yourself. Do something nice for you.
  • [17:20] Try to spemd th holidays with people you actually enjoy. It’s hard because we all have people in our family that we have to spend time with, but if you are spending time with them then set some boundaries, keep distance or just don’t go.
  • [17:56] Do something that makes you laugh. Try to make some room during the day to make it fun. It can really make a difference however simple it is.
  • [18:30] Enjoy the moment with your family because you won’t get that back.
  • [19:09] If you feel like you don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with, you can volunteer, go somewhere where there’s other people - nursing homes are a great place, call a friend.

 

Episode 19 - The Importance of Finding Your Peeps

Episode 19 - The Importance of Finding Your Peeps

December 5, 2019

Happy December, Mamas! Time flew by so fast this year, I don’t even know where the year has gone. In a few weeks we’re bringing in a new year and a new decade which is pretty cool.

In this episode today, I really want to focus on the importance of community and finding your peeps. One of the hardest but most common things I see in my practice is a lack of community and social support between people. It is hard and lonely to be in that space because as humans, we are biologically wired for connection.

This is why finding a group or community you can belong to is so important. I have my group of peeps: other moms, my business associates, and some on-line groups that I pay to be part of. These are like-minded people who share the same values I have and it makes me feel supported. So I am hoping by the end of this episode, you realize and see the importance of creating community in your life and strive to find a group of your own peeps.

[05:0] Humans are social creatures (even introverts) that need a sense of belonging. When we don’t have this, it can lead to loneliness, depression, and/or anxiety.

[05:38] When you think about groups of people, people can belong through all sorts of different ways. Get outside your box a little bit, think about your values, what you care about and how you can find people who match your interests and values.

[08:25] Think about the groups that are out there even for things that are hard to deal with such as AA. Having peers in the same group, who know how you feel and get you can really make a difference in your life. People want to be around other people who know exactly what they’re feeling before anything is even said.

[12:10] In life, we can sometimes feel alone and when we’re able to share that our life with others, it really takes us out of our own head and say - I’m not alone.

[16:55] You have to keep looking until you find your people. It comes back to going out and finding people in your community (or even online) that match what you are looking for. In order to do this, you need to understand yourself first and what you are looking for. It’s important that you get in touch with what is important to you and what you value.

[21:39] We are hardwired to be part of a community. If you don’t have a community, you can volunteer, join a group, find a therapy or support group. Take a risk and ask someone about groups.

[23:08] Don’t stay in groups because you’ve belonged in them forever. Sometimes we change as humans and we grow over time, and as a result, we look for other groups to belong to. That is completely fine.

[26:11] Join groups that show support and respect, especially when finding them on-line. I closely monitor my Mama Shrink community and I will not tolerate anyone being disrespectful or hurtful. Groups are for people to feel safe and grow. Find a group that makes you feel all those things. Don’t settle for anything less.

[27:19] We are human beings. We need community. We need to find our peeps.

Links:

 

My new course Setting Boundaries without guilt is now out for sale until Dec 14th. You can find all the information at www.mamashrink.com/boundaries

Episode 18 - My Holiday Miracle of Adoption

Episode 18 - My Holiday Miracle of Adoption

November 28, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving, Mamas! In today’s podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how Mama Shrink became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it on a day that is all about giving thanks. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial.

I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother’s and things that I am not comfortable sharing publically.

Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It’s very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring.

My boys were meant to be mine....I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption.

  • [04:06] I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I’m sure you understand that every month that you don’t get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging.
  • [04:28] When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30’s when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t.
  • [05:19] After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body.
  • [08:44] My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing.
  • [10:08] One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congrations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.
  • [10:32] There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption.
  • [16:23] We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process.
  • [22:49] When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren’t making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It’s sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you’re willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn’t.
  • [29:10] People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don’t realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It’s a really big risk. It’s an emotional roller coaster.
  • [30:20] We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness.
  • [33:50] We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby.
  • [42:43] We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.
Episode 17 - Holiday Survival

Episode 17 - Holiday Survival

November 21, 2019

Holidays can be a really stressful time because we deal with so many events and gatherings. Most people go through stress, depression, and many unwanted feelings especially during this season. My goal on this episode is to make the holiday season a bit more enjoyable for you and give you tips on how to get through the holidays happier and less stressed.

Often, people have this vision and misconception that everyone or the people around them are all having the time of their lives and everything runs so smoothly during the holidays. We only see the outside or maybe what is posted on social media. But in dealing with people as a psychologist for many years, I can tell you that for the most part, this isn’t true. I can honestly say that about 90% of families don’t have it all together.

Before I start the episode I just want to let you know I will be launching a workshop course called “Releasing Mama Guilt” which will help you dive deeper into feeling more confident about yourself and your parenting and hopefully by the end not feeling guilty about the way you move through life, parent your kid or start taking exceptional care of yourself. Along with the investment in the course you will also receive a recorded hypnosis focused on releasing mama guilt, an EFT tapping session video with techniques for releasing anxiety and guilt, and a recorded morning and evening meditation for your personal use.  I’ll be offering a cyber Monday discount on December 2nd which will bring down the course price to half off from the original price of $197. That’s only for one day so do watch out for that. I’d love to have you be part of the course. It’s going to be super fun. I’ll be teaching, coaching and giving away fun stuff!

  • [07:35] You can approach the holidays in the best way possible - that is your decision. You can make it special with the special people in your life.
  • [08:52] You have the choice to say no. If it’s going to cause stress and overwhelm you, you have the permission to say no, and that’s okay.
  • [10:20] Plan in advance on how you will react to the person who will inevitably drive you crazy. Be prepared for it to happen, do some role playing in your mind, think about how you’re going to react to the situation.
  • [12:00] Lower your expectations and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised if everything turns out great. Keep smiling and be nice. It is more difficult for someone to engage in conflict with someone who looks happy and refuses to engage.
  • [14:21] Go to the family gathering and remember that you’re not them and you refuse to be like them.
  • [15:15] Keep distance around the person who is a trigger for you.
  • [15:50] Don’t drink too much. When we are drinking it can make you feel more depressed, anxious, angry, and it can inhibit your control.
  • [17:21] Look at your family with compassion and realize why they are acting the way that they do.
  • [18:55] Focus on the positive. Find something that is good.
  • [20:10] If you feel a little tense, it’s okay to give yourself a break.
  • [21:09] It’s a time limited event and you can do hard things. Take a step back and remember this is only temporary. Remember these things: you are not going to be bossed around by anybody, you are not that child anymore and you can do hard things.

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Episode 16 - Why Change is So Difficult

Episode 16 - Why Change is So Difficult

November 14, 2019

Change and growth may be one of the things that we are most fearful of in life. Going through it is hard, uncomfortable and requires so much effort. But I totally believe that you can do it… anyone can do it. I know because I’ve been through this too. It takes a lot of courage and overcoming our fears.

In this episode, I’m going to be talking about mindset, overcoming the fear of change, and why change and growth are so difficult in the hopes that it will help you or someone you know if you are going through this phase in your life.

Before I start the episode I just want to let you know that instead of launching my 6-week course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” in December, I will be launching a workshop course where you can get to know me better as a coach and teacher to see if we’re a good fit. We’ll dive into the topic of momma guilt in one day, cover a lot in a few hours and give you live coaching with me. This will be launching on the 2nd of December. You can head over to mamashrink.com to sign up for my email list to get my free ebook, be the first to know about the course release, and receive a special discount for early birds who want to register.

  • [06:43] We have an inner thermostat that has been set in us very early in our lives with how content we feel with being happy and at peace. A lot of us have grown up where that was not our norm. So to now be in that place is very, very difficult.
  • [07:21] Growing and changing is very hard, uncomfortable and requires a lot of effort which is why a lot of people do not change their lives.
  • [08:50] You can choose the life of easy or choose the life of growth or change. It’s a personal choice which you need to decide on.
  • [09:54] If you find yourself seeking out support, help or therapy that means you want that change and that is the first step to growth.
  • [11:40] I believe everyone has it in them to change no matter what circumstances they’ve come through. We all have a choice in life.
  • [12:00] Fear is the biggest thing that keeps us from growing and changing. Even things that can be good change can create fear because it’s not in our comfort zone. We have to recognize that it’s okay to feel good and happy.
  • [21:57] “Where attention goes, energy flows.” If you are focused on that, you will probably find things in your life to confirm that to be true. If you change that thinking and commit to feeling good, growth, and happiness there’s going to be fear and anxiety but why not enjoy it?
  • [24:00] If you only want to do what’s easy in life, that’s fine but don’t expect to grow, don’t expect relationships to get better or things to improve. Once you grow and move through the discomfort, life will be much easier. You can’t grow without feeling uncomfortable. It’s impossible.
  • [25:55] If you want to stay comfortable and don’t want to grow and change, what happens is we do self-destructive things like overeating, overdrinking, surrounding ourselves with negativity, gambling, and many more. The feeling of not being uncomfortable can kill us, literally.
  • [27:25] Sometimes, the fear to change is so strong that people can’t overcome it. This is very real and we have to be gentle with ourselves and others who are fearful of this and focus on knowing that everytime someone is scared to grow, behind it is that fear - the fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable, the what if.
  • [28:18] Every day we have a choice whether we want to experience growth and change or stay in our comfort zone. When you are dealing with telling yourself “I can’t,” instead of saying that, replace it with saying “I don’t want to” or “I won’t” or “I’m choosing not ” When you start to frame it in a choice, it feels more like a choice and gives you an opportunity to start to consider growth.
  • [29:25] Here are some ways to overcome these self-sabotaging actions and belief system: acknowledge that you’re having the thought, forgive that thought / behavior and say “cancel”, replace it with a new thought, start to know your upper limit triggers.
  • [34:00] This all comes down to our thought process, our beliefs, our brain. This is all dealing with our mind and mental structure. Once we can master changing the way we think and behave, everything in our life changes. It all comes back to mental mindset shifting.

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