Mama Shrink

My Holiday Miracle

Hello Mamas! In today’s podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how Mama Shrink became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial.

I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother’s and things that I am not comfortable sharing publicly.

Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It’s very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring.

My boys were meant to be mine.... I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption.

• I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I’m sure you understand that every month that you don’t get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging.
• When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30’s when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t.
• After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body.
• My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing.
• One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congratulations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.
• There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption.
• We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process.
• When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren’t making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It’s sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you’re willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn’t.
• People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don’t realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It’s a really big risk. It’s an emotional roller coaster.
• We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness.
• We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4^th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now, we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby.
• We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.

 

Resources:

 

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Parenting a Strong Willed Child

Ever wondered how to navigate parenting a strong-willed child? Curious about effective strategies that can transform challenging behaviors? 

 

In this insightful episode, the host delves into the challenges and triumphs of parenting a strong-willed child. Drawing from personal experiences, the discussion unfolds a narrative that encapsulates the intricacies of managing a child with a strong personality. From setting boundaries to the significance of consistency, the conversation covers various aspects of parenting, illustrating real-life scenarios that many parents can relate to. Strategies such as using time-outs effectively, providing choices, and employing positive motivation are discussed, offering a comprehensive guide for parents facing similar situations.

 

The episode commences by emphasizing the importance of setting clear boundaries for strong-willed children, elucidating that a firm "no" should mean "no." Consistency emerges as a key theme, with the host highlighting the need for unwavering adherence to rules and consequences. Practical tips, such as offering only two choices and using timers for time limits, are introduced to foster a sense of control for the child while maintaining discipline. The incorporation of effective consequences and the power of forgiveness in disciplining form essential components of the discussed parenting strategies. The narrative further explores the use of timeouts, stressing the significance of creating a distraction-free environment for its efficacy.

 

Key Takeaways:

 

• Consistency is key in parenting strong-willed children; rules and consequences must be unwavering.
• Tailor discipline strategies to the individual child; what works for one may not work for another.
• Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool; acknowledge and praise good behavior consistently.

 

Resources:

 

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Dealing with Holiday Depression

Hello Mommas! The holidays are coming in so fast and before we all get busy with life, parties, kids and everything else, I just wanted to talk to you about dealing with the holidays when you’re feeling depressed, down, overwhelmed and anxious. 

If you are feeling these things, I want to assure you that you are not alone. 90% of people are feeling the exact same way.  Holiday depression and stress is a real thing and it happens even to the best of us.

Through this episode, I want to be able to help you find a way to deal and manage with these feelings and suggest some things you can do to make the holidays a bit better for you and your family. I want you to be happy during this season momma’s and I’ll be discussing some things that I know might help you out.

 

• The holidays are stressful and hard but we are doing Christmas for the kids and, hopefully, for ourselves. So, if we are going to do it, let’s make it a little easier. Take some deep breaths and say “I’m doing this.” Let’s make it fun.
• I want you mommas to take care of yourself during this time of the year. Whatever it is, do something for you.
• For a lot of us, holidays can cause depression and stress. It really is a hard time. Try and think about your kids why you’re doing this. Sometimes it’s hard and brings back bad memories, overwhelm, financial. Try to take care of yourself during this whole season.
• We have to find a way to deal with balancing everything - shopping, family, parties, house guests - to decrease your feeling of overwhelm. If you don’t look at this you may find yourself having a headache, getting physically sick, excessive drinking, overeating, etc. It’s going to find its way out and I want to help you find a way to not let that happen.
• New Year’s Day can also be another time people feel awful about starting the new year and I don’t want you to feel that way mommas.
• What can we do to get through the holidays and make it a little bit better? Make a list of realistic expectations - what you can expect from family, kids, friends and your financial state. Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t do it because you’re going to be dealing with stress for a long time if you overspend.
• Set a goal for yourself. What do you want to get out of the holidays? Everyone has their own goal. Make your own goal according to what feels right for you. Don’t take on more than what you are able to do.
• Make a list and prioritize. Have it all set out in your calendar. Get it out of your head and put it on paper, it really helps.
• Think about the holidays as just a day to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy it. Plan as much as you can ahead of time so that you don’t get stressed. Don’t compare yourself to others on social media or to past holidays you’ve had. On the holiday, you shouldn’t be on social media.
• If you’re struggling for money, there’s a lot of things that you can do for free. Look at holiday lights, go window shopping, engage in snow play, try to enjoy the whole season.
• Try to celebrate the holidays in a new way. The last thing that I want you to do is agree to participate in a family event that makes you unhappy. Figure out a new tradition or holiday stuff with your immediate family or your kids to make it something new and not keep putting you through stuff that makes you upset.
• Make some time for yourself. Do something nice for you.
• Try to spend the holidays with people you actually enjoy. It’s hard because we all have people in our family that we have to spend time with, but if you are spending time with them then set some boundaries, keep distance or just don’t go.
• Do something that makes you laugh. Try to make some room during the day to make it fun. It can really make a difference however simple it is.
• Enjoy the moment with your family because you won’t get that back.
• If you feel like you don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with, you can volunteer, go somewhere where there’s other people - nursing homes are a great place, call a friend.

 

Resources:

 

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Good and Bad Therapy: How To Find The Right Therapist

Mamas, it is so important to have a good therapist for yourself and for your children if either of you need one. You shouldn’t settle for a therapist just because it’s convenient, they accept your insurance, or because you’ve worked with someone forever and don’t want to start over. 

In this episode, I’m going to be talking to you about what you need to look for and what you should want regarding good and bad therapy.

I’m going to give you some tips and tricks on how to know for sure that the therapist you’re seeing is the right fit for you and your family.

• A lot of times, people continue going to the same therapist because they get comfortable but they’re not really finding that they’re having any change. On the other hand, therapists also have to check how much a client is working in the session or in between sessions. 
• A good therapist should educate people on what therapy is and it is not something that should last forever. The goal of therapy is to get the person functioning again, to help them find relationships outside the therapy session that serve them, and to find ways for them to improve. This could vary depending on the person and what diagnosis they are suffering with.
• It’s important to know the differences between psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, licensed social workers and the qualifications they have. 
• Some red flags to look for in therapy: if you are not feeling safe and comfortable; you should feel heard - make sure the person is listening to you; you should feel that your therapist likes you; you shouldn’t leave a session feeling embarrassed or shameful; make sure that progress is being made; you want someone who challenges you a bit; make sure that the therapist is professional; the therapist should not seem anxious, distracted or uncomfortable; the therapist should be approachable and you feel completely supported by them; you should not feel like you have to take care of your therapist; your therapist should never touch you or cross a boundary where they are sexual towards you or wanting you to be their friend.
• The things you should look for in a therapist that will be a good fit for you: ask other people what they’ve heard about the practice; go to a someone who specializes in what you need help on; look at the therapeutic style they have; make sure  your personality fits your therapist, that you are connected with them and you feel safe with them; you need to see results; their feedback should be practical and emotionally in tune with what you’re dealing with; therapist needs to understand what you are looking for and what you want to accomplish; you want to feel they’re listening to you and that they remember your story; you should feel like they’re interested in what you’re saying; you should be able to ask questions to them; they should check in on your progress; they believe you can change; make sure they’re keeping up with new treatments, evidence and continuing education; you want to feel safe in their office; therapist should have done their own therapy. 
• What to look for in therapists for children: make sure they have experience working with children; that they are connected with your child’s pediatrician should any issues arise; parents have to participate in therapy with their children. 

 

Resources:

Places to find therapists online:

• Psychology Today

 

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver 

Self-Sabotage

I would like to dive into the concept of mindset shifting in the next 2 episodes of the Mama Shrink Podcast because I feel that this is such a big thing. It’s one thing to think about something in a certain way and it’s a whole different level when you really believe what you’re talking about. This comes down to the whole concept of the biology of belief.

So today, I’m going to talk about self-sabotage. What is it, how do we do it, and why we do it. I have personally engaged in self-sabotaged throughout my life and have seen this cycle in many women that I have worked with over the years. I share about this in order to help you move out of this vicious cycle and become a happier mom and woman.

So, let’s discuss Self-Sabotage

 

• Self-sabotage is a purposeful choice that interferes with your short-term or long- term goals.
• Self-sabotage is setting goals but not following through, procrastinating or quitting. We go into self-sabotage because our brains become habituated to being in a state of homeostasis and we want to remain in our comfort zone.
• Sometimes our comfort zone isn’t what’s best for us but what we’re used to. We feel that it’s too good to be true so we ruin it.
• Self-sabotage affects our self-esteem and pulls you down. It becomes a vicious cycle that makes us feel bad and makes us go back to our state of not achieving, growing and allowing good things to come in.
• If you keep proving to yourself that you can’t succeed or you don’t deserve good things, your brain will start to believe that.
• Signs for recognizing self-sabotage: procrastinating, feeling uncomfortable about feeling good, doing negative self-talk, feeling like you’re not good enough, picking fights, being self-critical, feeling like a fraud. Do you see yourself doing or feeling any of these things? Why are you doing it? And is this your way of self-sabotaging?
• How do we change this? It can’t change overnight. Changing self-sabotage is a gradual change and involves shifting your mindset. Here are the steps you need to take: recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors; recognize the emotions that are causing the behavior; recognize the thoughts causing the emotions; work on changing your behavior, recognize the thoughts and emotions associated with whatever you keep self-sabotaging with; and practice being okay with feeling good.
• Give yourself permission to feel good. Over time you’ll re-wire your brain and slowly start to change your mindset and belief system so that your internal state of being becomes feeling good and happy. It takes practice. Be patient with yourself because it takes time to stop self-sabotaging.

 

Resources:

• Gay Hendrix Book: The Big Leap

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials

@dr.cynthiahawver 

 

Manners Matter: How To Raise Polite Kids

Ever wondered why common courtesy seems to be fading away in today's world? What if teaching manners could make a significant impact on our lives and society? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia Hawver, a licensed psychologist and host of the Mama Shrink podcast, passionately addresses the decline of manners in society, emphasizing the need for parents to actively teach their children these essential skills. Dr. Haver shares personal anecdotes and observations, ranging from the lack of door-holding to the rise of disrespectful behavior in children. She dives into various aspects of manners, covering interruptions, speaking disrespectfully, saying "please" and "thank you," and even extends the discussion to modern challenges like cell phone etiquette.

 

Dr. Hawver advocates for modeling good behavior as the foundation for teaching manners to children. She stresses the significance of addressing interrupting, disrespectful speech, and the importance of expressions like "please" and "thank you." The discussion expands to encompass behavior at the table, societal politeness, and the need to instill courtesy in email communication and other forms of modern interaction. Throughout, she highlights the pivotal role of parents in shaping their children's behavior and fostering kindness.

Key Takeaways:

 

• Manners are not outdated; they are essential for a harmonious society.
• Teaching manners involves addressing various aspects, from traditional table manners to modern communication etiquette.
• Parents play a crucial role in modeling good behavior and shaping their children's understanding of courtesy.

 

Resources:

Facebook Group: Dr. Cynthia Midlife Mamas https://www.facebook.com/groups/drcynthiamidlifemamas

Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Unburdened: Releasing Unwanted Guilt

In this insightful podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia, a seasoned psychologist, delves into the complex realm of guilt, particularly experienced by mothers. Opening up with a raw exploration of societal expectations and the relentless pursuit of perfection, she addresses the common narrative of moms feeling guilty for perceived imperfections and societal pressures. Dr. Cynthia shares personal anecdotes and professional insights, revealing the multifaceted aspects of guilt, from work-life balance struggles to the challenges of setting boundaries.

 

Dr. Cynthia addresses the origins of guilt, rooted in upbringing, cultural influences, and personal values. Drawing from her experience, she highlights how guilt can be a generational hand-me-down, perpetuating patterns that need breaking. The episode explores various scenarios, from the guilt associated with work-life balance to the intricate dynamics of relationships and divorce. Dr. Cynthia discusses the unhealthy use of guilt as a form of emotional manipulation, shedding light on power dynamics and the role of insecurities. By encouraging self-reflection, she guides listeners to differentiate between healthy guilt that prompts positive change and the unhealthy burden that hinders growth.

 

Key Takeaways:

 

• Guilt often stems from societal expectations, cultural influences, and generational patterns.
• The episode explores various guilt-laden scenarios, including work-life balance, parenting decisions, and relationship dynamics.
• Unhealthy guilt can be a tool for manipulation and control, perpetuating power imbalances.
• Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy guilt is vital for personal growth.
• Fostering self-compassion and kindness is crucial in breaking free from the guilt cycle.

 

Resources:

Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Navigating the Holidays

Ever wondered how to navigate family drama during the holiday season? Curious about setting boundaries and making the most of this special time of year? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia discusses the intricacies of managing family dynamics during the holiday season. Drawing from personal experiences and professional wisdom, she provides practical advice on setting boundaries, dealing with difficult relatives, and ensuring a more enjoyable and meaningful celebration.

 

Dr. Cynthia begins by emphasizing the importance of self-care and setting boundaries, focusing on making the holiday season more enjoyable and less stressful. She encourages listeners to prioritize their mental well-being and explains the significance of setting boundaries even with close family members. She advises listeners to prepare in advance for potential triggers and difficult situations. Dr. Cynthia suggests strategies like using "I statements" and steering the conversation toward other family members to reduce personal stress. Taking breaks, getting fresh air, and keeping a positive attitude can help diffuse tense situations.

 

The podcast episode underscores the importance of not tolerating mistreatment or uncomfortable situations. Dr. Cynthia encourages listeners to teach their children the value of being surrounded by love and kindness and not accepting relationships based on financial assistance or negativity. She emphasizes the importance of being around people who truly enjoy each other's company.

 

Key Takeaways:

 

• Prioritize self-care and set boundaries for a less stressful holiday season.
• Be proactive in managing triggers and focus on positive solutions.
• Delegating tasks and accepting help can make holidays smoother and more enjoyable.
• Teach your children to value relationships based on love and kindness.

 

Resources:

Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

The Breast Cancer Journey: A Mom’s Perspective

Ever wondered how a breast cancer diagnosis affects not just the patient but the entire family? What can you do to navigate the complex healthcare system and maintain a sense of normalcy in your life? This podcast episode explores the journey of a breast cancer survivor and offers valuable insights into dealing with a diagnosis.

 

Our guest Christa, a breast cancer survivor, shares her remarkable journey from diagnosis to thriving. She speaks about the emotional and physical challenges she faced, her experience with taking Tamoxifen, and the impact on her family, especially her children. With over a decade of personal experience, Christa discusses her transformation into a board-certified health coach and nutrition specialist. She also talks about the importance of advocacy, helping others navigate the complex healthcare system.

 

From the emotional toll of the diagnosis and treatment to the practical challenges like dealing with insurance companies, Christa's story is a testament to resilience and determination.

 

Key Takeaways:

 

• Facing a cancer diagnosis requires clarity on your needs and desires to effectively manage your journey.
• Accepting help from others is easier when you clearly outline your treatment plan, childcare, and home care requirements.
• Becoming an advocate for your healthcare can make the journey smoother and more manageable.

 

Resources:

Christa Tyler's Website

Christa Tyler on Instagram

Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Being a 9, with Lucas Hawver

Have you ever wondered how to strike a balance between discipline and understanding with your child, especially if they're strong-willed or involved in multiple activities? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia Hawver has a conversation with her nine-year-old son, Lucas Hawver. They touch upon various aspects of parenting and child development. Lucas shares his perspective on sports, school, and even recounts some mischievous childhood adventures, like hiding his grandma's phone. Throughout the discussion, Dr. Hawver emphasizes the importance of consistency in parenting and the need for children to learn balance. She also highlights the significance of validating a child's feelings and maintaining open communication.

 

The episode delves into the significance of allowing children to express their emotions and the role of validation. Dr. Hawver underlines that listening and acknowledging a child's feelings can prevent them from internalizing problems and feeling responsible for issues in the family.

 

Key Takeaways:

 

• Consistency in parenting is vital for raising well-rounded children.
• Setting and maintaining boundaries helps children understand limits and expectations.
• Don't overload children with too many extracurricular activities.
• Listening to children's emotions and validating their feelings can prevent them from internalizing issues.

 

Resources:

Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver